It's okay to cry

I need to get real for a moment. If you were stopping by for crafts or recipes - this ain't that post... but there will be many more - don't worry...

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So, I'm going through a tough time in my life. Nothing traumatic, but nothing easy either. The hubs is traveling for work for the forseeable future. I don't mean gone a couple days, home a couple days - I mean gone... and we see him for a couple days every two or three weeks.

I have a four year old and a nine-month old and a small business to run. Clint has been gone about six weeks and yesterday was my breakdown.

Separation is nothing new for Clint and I, we have been doing this periodically for the last 10 years and I've handle it just fine.

But this is the first time with kids - yikes - its a whole new level of exhausting.

I feel like I've held it together pretty well. I've kept the house (relatively) clean, the kids are fed and things are getting taken care of.

Yesterday I cried and then I wore sunglasses indoors.

You see - I have issues with crying. I don't mind if you do it, and I don't think less of you - but I don't cry - not because I can't or won't - but because it makes me feel weak. If I do it, I do it as privately as possible (until this post, I suppose). I don't want comforting or consoling, I want the tears to go away.

I never could identify why this outpouring of emotion bothered me so - until yesterday.

My sister and I had a brief (like 2 minute) conversation about my control issues in Colorado. It bothered me because it was something other people must notice, and had I hurt people by being so controlling?

Yesterday I realized that is why I don't cry. Why? Because for that moment of emotional release - I lose control. It scares me to death.

Funny thing is - I am not in control in the first place. Don't know how you feel - but where I come from we know and understand that God is up there and he is in control.

So - I'm going to try to focus on that knowledge - the knowing, understanding and feeling that God is in Control. My new daily prayer is for God to help me feel his control, and if he isn't ready for me to feel it, that he will help me grow my faith in him and in his control.

So maybe you have control issues to - or get crazy when things don't go as planned - maybe you needed to remember/realize that God is in control, He's been doing this for a long time and He doesn't make mistakes.